Wednesday, 13 December 2017



by Henrietta Whitsun-Jones

(Estimated running time 35 - 45 minutes)
  Characters: Dame Cillit (The elder, bossy, a bit of a prude
                       Dame Bang, her younger sister, confident that she is more attractive though that's not necessarily true, cheeky, likes sex)


Dame C: Ladles and jelly spoons. Welcome!

Dame B: girls and boils. Nice to see you ... To see you (motions to audience as they shout "Nice!")

Dame C: Welcome to the Brunel Christmas party.  My name is Dame Cillit.

Dame B:  and I'm Dame Bang, Her sister 

I'm the pretty one, by the way

Dame C: Oh, you are are you? Well, we'll see about that!

Anyway, enough of your bitching,  dear    I 
was busy talking to these lovely people. I should explain that we've escaped from Jack and the Beanstalk round the corner, during the interval, so we can come and have some festive fun with you lot. 

Dame B: we thought it would be nice to have a sing song together.  

Are you all feeling in good voice?

 (Cups hand to ear)

(Louder) I said, are you all feeling in good voice?

(Cups hand to ear)

Dame C: But before we get singing we need to get in the mood and get festive.   My sister and I are going to come round and give out some Christmas crackers. 

(They go amongst the audience and give each person 2 Christmas crackers)

 Dame B: Has everyone got a cracker?  If not, then hold your hand up

(They give out any missing crackers). 

Now what I would like you to do is this:  after I count to 3, turn to your neighbour, shake them by the hand and wish them a very Merry Christmas.   Then you can pull the cracker, and make sure to put on the party hat.  And make sure you've pulled a cracker with both your neighbours. 

Ready?   Here goes then.  One, two, three!

(Pause while the audience pulls crackers). 

Dame C: Well done everybody! I must say, you all look absolutely super.  Are you ready to start singing now?

(Cups hand to ear). 


I said, are you all ready to start singing now?

(Cups hand to ear). 

Good.  Now where's that song sheet I brought? Where did I put it? It looks like a big rolled up piece of paper. Have you seen it?

 (Exaggeratedly mimes hunting high and low for the song sheet.  Looks everywhere except behind her). 

Where? Here? Where?

Oh, here it is! Now why didn't you just say so?

Why don't you use this festive looking stick to point to  the words, so we all know what we are singing?

Dame B: Okay good idea. 

Dame C: And watch where you're putting that thing!

(Dame B looks at the audience with a big grin grin as if to say "shall I? ")

(Dame C  bends over to tidy some rubbish into a basket. Dame B pokes her up the bum with the stick). 

Dame C: Ooh! What was that?!  I felt a little prick. 

Dame B: (Aside to the audience)

Dame B: The first in a long time, I assure you. 

 (Dame C bends down again to do more tidying). 

Dame B: Pokes her again Dame C, holding her 

Dame C: There it was again! An even bigger prick!

Dame B: I think it's time we got on with some singing. Ready?  The words go with the tune of the 12 days of Christmas.  After three then. One, two, three. 

(They sing the song). 

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a
pair of Siamese twins

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me 2 strap on willies

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me 3 thermal vests

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 4 Lion bars

 On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 5 onion rings

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 6 choppas choppa'ing

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me 7 cars a-honking

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 8 MPs lying

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 9 fondant fancies

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me 10 carers caring

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me 11 maids a-Twerking

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me 12 Santas Santing

Dame C: Well done everybody! Especially this side of the room – MY Half. You were definitely louder. 

Dame B: Bullocks! MY Half were clearly the stronger singers. I would give them all a chair if I could. 

Dame C: Well, there's only one way to find out ...

(In unison, to the audience)

 Both: Sing off!

Dame C: Here's how it's going to work. We'll all start off singing the first day of Christmas together, then my half of the room will sing the second and third day
Dame B: Then my half will take over and sing the
 fourth day of Christmas. 

And we'll all come together for the fifth day, with 5 onion rings. 

Dame  C: Back to my half of the room for days 6 and 7. 

Dame B: Swap back to my half for  days 8 and 9. 

Dame C: Days 10 and 11 will be taken by my half.

 Dame B: Then we'll all come together and finish off with the 12th day of Christmas. Okay? Ready? One, two, three. 

(They all sing the song, this time as the sisters have described). 

 Dame C: Fantastic! Give yourselves a big clap.  Now for a judges conference, I think. 

(They go into a huddle for a moment)

Dame B: We'd like to announce that the sing off was officially

(In unison)

Both: A draw!

Dame C: Now we'd like each half of the room to send up a volunteer to claim a special prize. And the special prize is ...

Dame B:  A Christmas kiss with none other, than our lovely leader of the physio team, Judith!

Dame C: Perhaps we should show them the prize. What do you think?

Dame B: Judith sweetheart, would you like to come up and join us please?

(Pause, while Judith joins them)

Dame C: Now come along, don't be shy. Put your hand up if you would like to volunteer. 

 (They choose 2 male volunteers from the audience). 

(To the first volunteer)

Dame C: Now, what's your name, Sir?

Volunteer 1: XXXX

Dame C: Hello XXXX. Are you ready to claim your prize, and give Judith a big Christmas kiss?

Dame B: You're well in there, mate. Cos from what I hear, she's absolutely gagging for it!

Dame C: How dare you talk about our Judith like that! Show some respect! Any more sexual harassment min the workplace from you and it will be the naughty chair for you!

(Turns to second volunteer)

Dame C: and what's your name, sir?

Volunteer 2: XXXX

Dame C: Hello XXXX.  Are you ready for your prize?

Dame B: pucker up then. Absolutely no tongues!

Dame C: That's it! I've had enough! Naughty step. Now!

(Dame B mumbles to self as she goes, "it's not fair that you get to boss me around, just because you're older". She hangs her head and goes and sits on a chair in the corner).

Dame C: let’s here a big clap for Judith and our volunteers. (To the volunteers:) you can go and sit down now. (Looks at watch)   Gosh! Is that the time? 


The interval must be nearly over



We'd best be off   We'll miss our next entrance. 

(Even louder)


Dame B: What are you banging on about now?

Dame C: Come on! We'd better shift ourselves. Time to go!

Dame B: Alright, alright.   Keep your hair on.  I'm coming. 

Dame C: Well I must say, i've really enjoyed your Christmas party. Thanks so much for having us. 

Dame B: You forgot to wish them Merry Christmas. 

Dame C: How could I forget?  A very Merry Christmas to you all. 

Dame B: And a happy new year

(They exit, piggybacking). 

Henrietta Whitsun-Jone

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