This somewhat depends on who your carer is. For it might be a spouse or another close
relative. In this sense then of course
the answer is yes, they care because they love you. Except they didn't choose this role any more
than you chose to have MS. In that sense
the relationship becomes complicated: there is perhaps a little guilt on your
part, that if it was not for you they would not have to live a life of endless
[cancel selection often exhausting] service, and a little suppressed resentment
on their part for the same reason. If
this does not apply to you then I take my hat off to you and shout ‘hooray’ for
you are the exception to the rule.
Many partners are never honest enough with each other to
risk admitting this. I know that it's a
complication that certainly destroyed my own marriage eventually [but that's a
whole other blog]. I took the decision
that I wanted my children to have a childhood rather than become my carers, and
so for years they were not involved in my care.
I like to think that they therefore had a relatively normal
childhood. Except this put extra
pressure on my husband, which then took its toll. [There ain't no such thing as a free lunch].
Then there are the kind of carers who are employees, but
even here there can be complications.
The ground between employee and friend can become somewhat grey, for
example, when is a favour a favour and when is it just taking the Mickey and
going one step too far? This can raise
constant questions. Personally I have
had a couple of highly successful relationships with employed carers in the
community [these people are still friends] and some not so successful. We place these people in a position of
ultimate trust; we trust them with our possessions, our homes, our families and of course our
persons. It can be tremendously painful if that trust is broken: I once suffered a
significant theft and was forced to involve the police. I never did find out who the culprit was, but
certainly relations with carers were never quite the same and eventually soured
altogether.
And then there are the type of carers who are employed
by institutions such as the nursing home where I live. These, I have discovered, are a totally
different breed. Yes they care enough to
do a difficult and demanding job for just the minimum wage; they have to buy
their own uniforms and their own meals, do not get sick pay and the bare
minimum maternity leave, are put on probation after too much sick leave [the
list goes on]. And yet they love their
jobs. The vast majority of them are
thoroughly lovely people but there is a minority whose motives are not so snowy
white. They seem to love how their role
puts them in a position of authority over another [weaker] person, just a
little bit too much. I feel a little
uncomfortable around such people and tend to become very aware of my own
vulnerability. Yes we have all heard the
horror stories about what goes on in some care homes; I guess it is this type
of person to whom that kind of behaviour becomes attractive. If any one should ever find themselves in a
vulnerable position in this kind of scenario then you need to contact the
police or visit WWW.witnessconfident.org to
communicate with the police in confidence.
And of course inform your social worker.
Everything seems to be the wrong way round. It is as if these occupations are still being
treated as ‘women’s jobs’ as they were at their inception and therefore lowly
and menial. It’s high time things caught
up now that we are in 2014. Society
always seems to place the most important jobs such as teaching, caring for
children and caring for the sick and disabled at the bottom of the heap. So is it perhaps society that does not care?
November 2013